The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
