Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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