So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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