Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
