Your face is a jimmy john
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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