I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
