He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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