I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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