Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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