Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
