The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
