he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
