the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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