You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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