thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
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He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
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i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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