Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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