How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
