Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
