my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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