Capitaan dildo arrescate!
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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