She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
