I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
