oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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