i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
