She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
a search helicopter?!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
