I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
