i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
