You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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