The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
