Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
