His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
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I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
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I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
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