Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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