I want to make a zoo with you.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
