OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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