no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
