What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
