why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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