I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
