Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We have started to decorate penises.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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