what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
