So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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