The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
