She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
