We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
