wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
