My underwear smells like fireworks.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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