in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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