I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
