no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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