So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
