Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
two words...techno handjob
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
