My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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