We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
