Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
