the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
