Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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